Rules of Marriage and Friendship…

18 Nov

I have been married to my wonderful amazing husband for going on three years, and we are thrilled with how our marriage has gone so far.  We have been through all the normal trials and tribulations of any marriage.  We’ve communicated and sailed through them.  We’ve hit our bumps in the road, but no matter what we’ve been a team.  Throughout our marriage, we have a lot of interesting conversations too.

One of our main conversations has been about how our relationships have changed with some of our closest friends since our marriage.  Of course, some of it has been smooth sailing and we have some amazing friends that have continued to be amazing to this very day.  However, some of the people we once considered close either didn’t appreciate that we were married to each other or don’t know how to deal with the new relationship.  Even years later, we still come in contact with some people who just seem awkward while dealing with us as a unit.

This blog has gone around in my head for months, because we have had conversations with other couples about this also!  It seems like we all come in contact with some of the same type of friends or situations during our marriage.  While we haven’t been married that long, we all feel that this is an issue you deal early on with your marriage, as people expect things to stay the same when marriage is a huge commitment if you really have your soul-mate and give it your all.   If you have that one person that is really your other half, it’s going to change some of the other relationships in your life.

So without further delay, here are a few key rules (or maybe a better word is guidelines) or hints into most married couples and how they deal with friendships (or at least has been our experience)…

We really are each others other half.  Which means we tell each other everything, and yes I mean everything.  In my marriage honesty is the number one most important thing, so we are ALWAYS honest with each other.  If you tell one of us a secret, odds are, we tell the other one.  Not to discourage you to trust us, but because we just share it, and we know for a FACT that the other person will not tell a soul.  So no, we aren’t being disrespectful for you and when you ask me to keep your secret, I will, just know my other half may know too, but they won’t tell a soul either.

Don’t compare us to ex’s.   Yes, we all have those people we wish we would have dated, and we may tease each other about our poor choices in the past, but it’s not for YOU to tease us.  All that does it make us feel like you wish I was still with the ex, or you liked the ex better.  Even stories, or “hey, the last time I saw you, you were with…” That’s not cool.  Have some respect.  If you offend one of us, even the ones you were friends with first, odds are you offended both of us or upset both of us, as we are a team, so don’t even try it.

If you don’t like the person we married, odds are you are not going to be our friend for anymore.  We chose to marry the person we did.  No one forced us, so for YOU to not like the person we married or treat them like you don’t like them. That will pretty much seal your fate that we won’t want to hang out with you anymore (with my spouse or without).  I’m not saying you have to love every little thing about our spouse, but at least try to find a bit of good in the spouse and tolerate them if you want to stay in our lives.  Trust our judgement, obviously there is something good about them, we picked them.  If your personalities don’t get along, make some attempt.  If not, it was fun while it lasted, and there aren’t any hard feelings, but there just isn’t a spot for you anymore.   It’s beyond frustrating when you know your significant other is busting their butt to try to make nice with one of your close friends, and they aren’t making any attempt.

Don’t use phrases like “hope things are going well” or “are things still going okay?”  All it does is make me think that YOU think things will go badly soon or that you want my marriage to fail.  Even if that’s the case, have some respect and be nice.  Unless I am married to a horribly awful person that beats me or treats me like a slave, be nice.  Instead use phrases like, “I’m glad you seem so happy” or “how is (spouses name here)?”  Those phrases while very similar aren’t as loaded sentences.  There’s a big difference between “hope” you are doing well (meaning, I doubt it, but maybe I’m wrong?) and “seem” you are doing well (meaning, you appear to be happy and things seem to be going good).

Don’t expect us to fail.  Yes, we all have relationships in the past that have not lasted.  That’s why we are married to each other.  Give us some of your faith and some encouragement.  Marriage can be hard.  Even if you aren’t happy we are together, supporting someone who is/was one of your best friends is the best thing you can do for them in any decision they make.  Even if you don’t agree. It’s called unconditional love people.  You may not always like the decisions we make, but if you are meant to be in our life for the long run, support us.

If you come visit us, expect to hang out some of the time with both of us. Or with the spouse you don’t know the best.  Or all the time with both of us.  Funny thing is, we really ENJOY spending time together.  That’s why we got married.  We like each other.  Heck, we love each other, so yes, we really enjoy spending time together.  We’d like everyone to get along, so that’s why we try to hang out with you AND our spouse.

Things are going to be different.  No matter how much we are the same people, we now have a new number one in our life.  In many cases, we answer to them.  We aren’t whipped, we just respect one another and treat the spouse with respect, so yes, things will change.  It’s nothing against you or me, these things just happen in life.

Granted, not all marriages are the same.  I’m in a marriage that really is the love of your life, happily ever after fairytale, where I found my soul-mate.  I am so lucky.  So if I am not as close to a few people who I used to consider my best friends? I’m okay with it, because I have never been happier.  Obviously, if you really were my friend and cared for me, you would be happy for me.  No matter what happened in my past.

2 Responses to “Rules of Marriage and Friendship…”

  1. Hope November 18, 2011 at 8:45 pm #

    So true. YOu should put this on a plaque and offer it for sale. Your observations are right!


  1. Survival Guide for Opposite Schedules… « Faith Trust and Pixie Dust - March 17, 2012

    […] we’ve definitely gotten a lot better at dealing with opposite schedules.  Just like our rules of marriage & friendship I posted awhile back, we have some “guidelines” or unestablished rules that we just […]

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