struggles… same ol’ same ol’…

26 Apr

I am one with low self-esteem. I can put on a great show and SEEM like I have a lot of self-esteem, but inside I am constantly doubting myself and wondering if I am doing okay in life.

I’ve tried to get into better shape.  I am in no means fat of any sort. I am probably on the higher side of average.  I don’t know why, but I don’t want to be average, I want to be skinny-average or skinny.  I don’t know why I’m so weight obsessed.  I just know I need to drop some weight.  I also want to get into better shape so I CAN take part in the Walt Disney World and Disneyland Half Marathons in 2011.  It’s just something I want to do for me.  It will also make me feel better for the husband.

However, when I start to work-out, I gain weight.  I started working out again over the past 5 days and either I gain muscle mass really hard or I end up over eating even though I really have been WATCHING what I’ve put in me lately.  Maybe I just need to do a better job, but suddenly I weigh myself and my weight has gone up five lbs.  Ugh. It’s SO frustrating. Maybe it’s just at the end of the day as I had a LOT of water today.  Maybe it will be better tomorrow, but it just makes me feel so unattractive and so fat.  It’s such an ugly word.  Fat. Ugh. I know I’m no where near, fat, yet I FEEL fat.

And no matter how much my amazing husband tells me otherwise, I just feel gross.  I will hopefully stick to working out for a few weeks and see if any weight loss happens.  Why does it just seem to take so long?

Hopefully I don’t get unmotivated, as that’s when I begin to fail.

Then I feel like a failure… and fat.

Awesome.

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One Response to “struggles… same ol’ same ol’…”

  1. Princess Christy April 27, 2010 at 11:27 am #

    MUSCLE WEIGHS MORE THAN FAT. You have to remember this!

    Try getting up in the morning, using the restroom, and then weighing yourself. I have found I tend to get the most consistent results doing that!

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