self-esteem fairy…

9 Feb

Before I begin with this post, let me just say, I know I may end up with comments of “blah blah, your a wonderful person Jeanne, I don’t know why you get like this.”  ya know what? I don’t know why I do either, except for the fact that the self-esteem fairy never visited me… and those comments won’t help me… so please keep them to yourselves… that isn’t the point of this entry to get me pity. It’s just for me to vent I guess, so let’s let it be unless you really want to say something.

So many events in my life can mess me up.  I have my own baggage and events I flash back to that are just embarrassing. For some reason, I can’t get over certain things… or when an event happens I realize, “I am going to look back on this and never be able to forget it.” No, I realize, thats not normal… but it’s me, so I attempt to deal with it.

I really wish I thought I was better. I know that I am better than what I think inside, but I wish I believed it.  Every so often, I jump, and do what’s best for myself, which is how I ended up being married to the love of my life.   However, so often, I can’t support myself because I just don’t think its worth it.  I’m not that good. I could not possibly be that good.   I know this, so I work on it.  However, I just wish it was easier.

I hate being one that beats myself when its down.  It’s not that I”m depressed, its just that I don’t think I’m that great.  There are plenty of people that are better than me.  Plenty of them.  I’m just me.  I’m unique, but I’m nothing special.  I don’t get why some people think they are amazing.  What makes you so special?  What makes you amazing?  I don’t get it.

I hate being embarrassed, so I hate when these events happen!  I just hate it! And from a person who has low self-esteem, it SUCKS that I am klutzy or have stupid things happen, as what are normal events to other people, are embarrassing to me and make me want to curl up in the shower and just cry.  Every so often, I give in, but I deal with a lot of it by locking it inside and just trying to get over it by telling myself… “it’s not as bad as it seems. That wouldn’t bother the normal person, so why let it bother you.”

So the real question is… what caused me to not have that great of self-esteem? I have my theories. None of which I wish to share because their are just theories and they cast blame on people, when a big part of it is to blame myself.

So, self-esteem fairy, I missed you. Maybe someday you’ll visit me, but in reality, I’m doing okay, because it’s making me stronger… and I’m learning.   So don’t worry about me, but if you want to visit, I will be waiting for you.


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